Updated: Feb 12
So… you read the title. It’s clear we’re about to get REAL personal.
Have a seat.
Grab some popcorn.
Pour a glass of wine.
Cab’s my fav, in case you were wondering about the flavor of this post.
I’ve been dry af.
I’ve been single for almost a year and abstinent for almost 3 months.
I thought this dating fast would end with my utter and complete pursuit for a husband via dating apps or however tf people are meeting these days.
It didn’t go that way at all.
February 1? I had one goal.
To find the love of my life.
Not for sex, but for the mutual connection that was lost over these last couple of months.
But even when I considered the idea that I might not, I had decided that dating apps were not something I wanted to explore again.
I’d already experienced the overwhelming feeling of overcommunicating and underrelating to men who would never be for me.
And while I know that the pandemic has adversely affected dating, I’d rather take my chances at organically meeting someone in person.
Which has adversely affected my sex life.
At this point in my life, I’m just not the type of person to have casual sex.
Sex is GOOD and fun and tension releasing… but not at the cost of my sanity and relational energy.
I want to be sexually connected to someone I trust and love and respect. And I desire someone who wants the same. Sex is spiritual to me. Sex is connection and reciprocity. Even now, as badly as I crave it, I refuse to give it away to someone who isn’t worthy of me.
My expression of sexuality is deep. There is very little that I wouldn’t give to a man that meets my spiritual and emotional needs.
So… dating apps are a no for me.
Past connections with men I've already experienced … are a no for me. I already know why they’re a no.
There is no one who I’m currently acquainted with or had a past sexual relationship who I would enter back into a sexual relationship with. I’m careful with my body and who I allow into the deeper spaces of me.
And honestly, I’m not looking for someone to satisfy my sexual needs.
I’m looking for someone to satisfy my need for companionship and tenacity... who is down for all things nasty and raunchy and dirty.
He gets to experience that part of me because I trust him.
Aside from that one person, the only other soul I trust with my body…… is me.
So until I can trust again… the only sexual encounters I have… will be with myself.