A Thief and A Liar
No one talks about this. No one talks about the dark feeling at the end of day when you’ve kicked ass and taken names and still feel like it’s not enough. No one talks about the overwhelming feeling to overachieve and be perfect and keep smiling, even when you feel like you’re exhausted. No one talks about the gut-wrenching fear that accompanies success. So I will.
I have done more in 6 months than some people will do in 6 years. I have started a business from nothing, marketed it, maintained it, and continue to grow it. But it’s not enough. I have had windfalls of success in a single day and am crying by the time the sun sets because I’m afraid it will all come crashing down. I don’t even know what this constant series of events is called. Imposter syndrome? Maybe. Perfectionism? Maybe. Gluttony. Probably. But the thing is, I don’t want to be famous or crazy rich or even known for my gifting. I just want to pay my rent, eat, and make a difference. The success I want isn’t validation, it’s security.
I need to know that I’ll be able to stand on my own. And I’m afraid that if I don’t keep winning, constantly, that I will be back where I started. And I can’t go back. So every day that I’m not killing myself to make this life work, is a day that feels like failure. It’s depleting. And not sustainable. But I don’t know how to stop.
I know that operating from a place of fear is not healthy. It gives the false impression that I am solely responsible for my security and success. And that’s a lie. Every gift, every opportunity, every win is from God. I’m responsible for how I manage those things, but God’s plan for my life is orchestrated by Him. What’s challenging for me, is that even though I believe that, sometimes (a lot of times) it feels like it’s all on me. I allow my fear to dictate my actions. And fear keeps us quiet.
Fear will tell you that no one else understands. It will tell you that you’re alone. It will tell you that if you share those dark feelings, you’ll be exposed, and that exposure will lead to failure. It will tell you to hide away. It will tell you to close out the world and deal with it on your own. Fear is a liar. Just like the devil. And both of them will destroy and kill you.
So I’m saying out loud that I am afraid. I’m saying it because maybe you are too. And there is strength in numbers. A strength that can shout out truth. Maybe you don’t know how to stop that record in your head that keeps playing the lie that you’re not enough, that you’re going to fail, that it’s all on you. No one has said these words to you so boldly. No one has cast down the lie so vehemently. So I will.