The wildest shit happened today. I realized a pattern of behavior that keeps surfacing. It was regarding business, but I finally understood how it has been playing out in the other relationships in my life. The pattern is this: I’m cruising along in life and I come upon an opportunity, or a man, or a friend, or a man (I know I said that twice), and I daydream about how perfect the scenario could be if it just played out exactly how I imagined it. And besides the fact that, duh, that rarely ever happens… I pretend that this thing is an anomaly. I legit say to myself “It would be so crazy if all of this actually happened, but let’s keep going”.
Enter red flag from stage left. Enter red flag from stage right. Enter red flag from stage left. Enter red flag from... and on and on forever until the thing explodes into oblivion. And then I’m like “But HOW??” I’m so focused on the “what if” that I completely miss the “what is”. And here’s the other thing: shortly after (or before) this “anomaly” comes along, I‘m presented with what is ACTUALLY right for me, but doesn’t look like a thing that is ACTUALLY for me. So I’m like “Naaaahhhh, this can’t be for me… it’s to blah, it’s too no, it’s too easy, it’s too not the other thing”.
And that good thing is like “[oh well emoji] go ahead with your ‘excitingly hard’ life and stress and the ‘yes man’ who only says yes to your face and get THAT thing (like Kanye’s “THOSE degrees). Go ahead.” And then I cry in my walk-in closet as I put away the endless laundry I’ve let pile up until I have no more clean panties. (That happened ONCE... long, long ago... in January)
So here’s what happened. A few weeks ago, I randomly got a call from a recruiter (FUCK them, btw… unless you’re a recruiter… then FUCK you) that said I was the perfect candidate for this position and they couldn’t WAIT to connect me to, what would’ve been, the PERFECT job for me. So I wait a week to interview. A week! Then I interview, think I hit it off with the guy, and make it to round two.
I REALLY vibe with the second interviewer, and pretty much put it in the bag. I GOT this! I do a little assessment based on some info they give me, to complete a sample campaign email. I KILLED the shit. I know, because I actually liked it and I don’t like none of my shit. Okay? Okay. All of this takes 3 FUCKING weeks. According to the recruiter “This is a direct hire, so they have to make sure you’re the right fit” etc. At one point I’m like “ BITCH, I’ve been through direct hires before and it NEVER took 3+ weeks. I’m legit questioning the integrity of this company… that they would make a candidate wait this long.” She says “Ah la la la bullshit, buh blah blah blah bullshit, uh huh huh huh more bullshit.”
Okay, so here’s what was happening between all this other stuff: I had two, seamless interviews with nice people (from another company) who I vibed with and had great conversation with. But I was like “Nah, God wouldn’t present this OTHER opportunity, that is HUGE, if it wasn’t for me.” And I GET. AN. OFFER. But “Oooooh, I’m not sure. I don’t think so. I’m so confused. I’m so frustrated. Ah la la la bullshit, buh blah blah blah bullshit, uh huh huh huh more bullshit.”
I go back for the 57th time and ask the recruiter when she thinks they’ll set up the next interview. She says she’s sorry, she doesn’t know, she’s doing the best she can, ya know? I hum and haw for an entire day (the only day the other company has given me) to decide. So I decide, in my mind, I will take the job as a safety net and quit before I start if the other company sets up the interview that will lead to my offer letter.
The company who offered is like “We’re thrilled to have you!!” And I’m like “Yeah, okay. Just wait.”´ The next day, after I formally agreed, they set my first day and I’m STILL in a mood. And then… I know you already guessed it because you’re that person who watches the first scene of a suspense movie and says “I already know who did it.” I know, because that’s me… but I can’t NEVER guess my own pretend suspense. The recruiter (FUCK her) texts… not even calls… to tell me the other candidate got it. And suddenly, I feel like the most brilliant woman in the world because I took the job I didn’t even want. The end.
Just kidding. But honestly, someone write a movie about my life as the sequel to “Inception” (a TERRIBLE movie where the same shit keeps happening in different ways forever until the end) or “2 Fast, 2 Furious: The 723rd” and let Beyonce´ (who is an AMAZING singer, yet super AWKWARD actress) play me. Our birthdays are one day apart, so her awkward, emotionless Virgo traits will definitely shine through.
WHY am I this dumb?? Why am I this sad little philanthropist martyr? Suffering for a cause that no one knows/cares about? Maybe because life is boring without it. Maybe because I was raised to believe that it’s normal to pursue unavailable (sometimes emotionally) situations… because the pain I cause myself is easier than the pain someone else might cause me. At least that FEELS like control.
Am I so different from you? Am I so caught between the healing and the scar that I cannot decide which is worse. The pain… or the reminder? Or are we a juxtaposition of the same malady? Maybe we’re not. Or maybe you don’t even know yet.
The wildest shit happened today. I realized a pattern…