As we near the end of this hateful year, I’m not surprised that none of my friends have mentioned their New Year's resolutions. Getting to the next year IS the resolution. And while I’m not the type to make a resolution anyway, it’s made me think about the concept of it. This idea that somehow a new year equates a fresh start, an opportunity to begin again, an opportunity to try something new.
I never quite understood that because “Why wait until tomorrow to do what you can do today?” I’m a go-getter. If I want to start something or try something again, I create a plan and I do it. I don’t wait around for an arbitrary sign or date.
I have a very “Just Do It” mentality with everything I do. If I say I’m gonna do something, then I do it. I keep promises. I show up (although I’m working on being on time). I follow through.
There’s a lot of pressure with that kind of mentality though. Albeit self-applied pressure, it’s pressure all the same. It’s not often that I’m reckless, disorderly, or out of character. I just don’t do “messy”.
I also don’t do much for myself.
If you read my last blog post, “A thing.” you’d know that I’ve committed the last few months to loving myself well. Which has been really really challenging. I’m so used to distracting myself with work or being a mama or being a friend that sitting down to do this (write) or taking myself on a date or hiking for the purpose of reflection, not just exercise… is foreign to me.
Don’t get me wrong, I definitely need down time and even enjoy being alone sometimes, but it wasn’t for the purpose of growth… of recognizing how much value I bring to those relationships. Of recognizing how valuable I am even without those relationships.
That’s a process.
Above, I mentioned that I’m not often reckless. It’s because I have very high standards for myself and what I put out into the world.
I don’t find it often, but honey, “When the jones come down, it be a mothafucka” (gold star if you can name that movie). I am completely reckless in love. What can I say? I’m a lover.
I pour into that love BECAUSE I don’t often find it. Because I long to love and be loved. Because it’s like life to be understood, to share the depth of me, and to experience a reciprocated connection with another person.
I found that.
I found it in the most unexpected way.
And then it was gone.
Because people change. Their needs. Their actions. Their minds.
It’s the human condition. And often, the human condition is to make promises (to others and to ourselves) that we don’t know we’ll keep.
It’s like those yearly resolutions. People start so strong and determined. “This year will be different!” But a fresh start means nothing if you haven’t realigned your mindset.
Despite that, my reckless love has not waned.
I still acknowledge its existence.
But I made myself a promise.
A promise that I kept even while I was busy loving.
A promise to love myself well.
And that means allowing myself to feel and not distract myself from feeling. It means walking away when I want to stay. It means making mental health a priority. It means letting every day be a fresh start, an opportunity to begin again, an opportunity to try something new.